Puns

I commit puns. Bad puns. All too frequently, often in the control room at work. It was suggested I write them down instead of speaking them. You won’t feel like groaning, you’ll feel like punching. hard.

I think these are all original – please correct me if I’m mistaken. Here’s the collection so far:

  • If a hurricane hits a flock of sheep, is that making lambfall?
  • John Deere good, Dear John bad.
  • When there is a rain puddle, or snow on the ground… is that postcipitation?
  • Minneapolis & St Paul — not the Twin Cities, just Maxiopolis.
  • Asphalt: placing blame.
  • Mesoscale — a device used to weigh a mess o’ stuff.
  • Bison — a male child who goes both ways.
  • Lollygagging — what happens when one gets a sucking candy–on–a–stick stick in one’s throat
  • Is “heart wrenching” “heart spannering” in Great Britain?
  • Watch out especially for tapeworms from Great Britain — Scotch Tapeworms are particularly sticky.
  • If Kohler, American Standard, Moen, and/or Sloan engaged in athletic competition, would that be the Toilet Bowl?  (football)
  • If Sioux Falls, she probably has a balance problem.
  • Drivers who go around barriers should be charged with DUW: Driving Under Water.
  • New Years Eve: Why is this night different from all other nights? On All other nights, saying “I dropped the ball” is owning up to a mistake, while tonight it’s kvelling about a high honor!
  • Potholes (noun): people who become obnoxious after use of cannabis products.
  • One noia is likely okay, but watch out — they usually come as a pairs.
  • Cathedral repair is the same as breathing because they’re both re-spire-ation.
  • The Saar Chasm – a long gap in the land of contempt. (Or perhaps it’s the fissure in the ground where the Saar family’s covered wagon fell into oblivion?)
  • Sneeze and damage your eardrum? That’s achoo-puncture.
  • Red Bull:  Soviet Disinformation.
  • Mushers excel at two things: operating dog sleds and making terrible hot cereal.
  • Mushroom: the space between dog sleds.
  • Only girls commit shenanigans. Boys commit henanigins. 
  • “I” is singular and “us” is plural, so why is alumni plural and alumnus singular?
  • Hummingbirds used to visit my yard, but then I taught them the words.

Sorry!

(Not really…)

And as for the category “Fun,” well I think it’s appropriate.